A big hole

I am home from the hostpital, and each day I feel a little better physically. I can get up and down on my own, and am allowed to get up and walk around some. Physically I am healing a little more each day.


However, there is this hole. Yesterday, we went to the Lexington cemetary and picked out a beautiful spot under a tree for little Hope. Then we ordered a marker to place there and remind us and others of her short life. Yesterday sucked. I cried alot. I can remember just over a week ago being all excited about bring my little girl home from the hostpital, and instread I am having to decide where to bury her. We still don't know when we will have the funeral, we have to wait for the hosptail to finish their test. Brad took me there, and was wonderful. He has decided that pink isn't as bad as he once thought.


I talked brad into going to softball practice. he said the physicall activity was good, but it felt like he was just going through the actions. The joy he had felt was missing. They, all the litrature on grief, said that the joy would come back eventually. I havn't read, or written anything other than blogs since it happened. I jsut feel empty.


We had to miss church sunday because on my recovery, and next week is mother's day, our church does baby dedications, and I am not going to touch that with at 50 foot pole. so that means no church for two weeks. I miss it. I miss my friends, and being able to go out and do things, and the joy I had with sharing every little step of my pregnancy.


last night after everyone left Brad and I cried some more. He did play a song for me on YouTube and made me smile for a little while. I have a wonderful husband. God knew I would need brad to go through this. God also knew I would need family and friends, which have all been wonderful.


I don't want to go to bed at night, becasue then I have to wake up and face a new day. and then I don't want to get up in the morning because I have to face the fact that I am no longer pregnant and I will not get to bring my little hope home. they said their would be bad days and good days, and days where I just get by. Yesterday was a bad day. I hope today is better.

Comments

Tami said…
I know every time I turn on the TV there is some commercial or show that brings you to mind. I would recommend staying away from daytime television as much as possible. I would also stay busy. I know you love to read and that is wonderful because a book can take you away even if it’s just for a little while.
I have never experienced anything like this but my heart breaks for you and Brad. The Lexington Cemetery is a beautiful place; we are there all the time on the weekends. I am glad you chose that site for Hope. She will have many visitors.
I am still praying for you and Brad. I am thankful that school will be out in a few weeks and he will be there with you.
5/6/08, 2:17 PM
Me said…
I feel terrible for you and Brad. There are few words that will mean much to you in the coming weeks but I want you to know that you will begin to heal. Unfortunately, there will always be a hole in your heart for Hope. My son Michael died 18 years ago at the age of 2 1/2 months. I had something you did not - I held my son in my arms for several weeks but that does not make the kind of pain you feel any less real. I still feel that pain sometimes.

I would love to tell you something that will heal your heart, but you and I both know there are no words. You and your husband will draw strength from each other and you will survive - even though a piece of your heart seems to be gone.

I don't know if this will help, but the following blog site is a resource you might look into:
Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Blog Directory

http://babylossdirectory.blogspot.com/

Be well, love your husband, find comfort in those that surround and support you, and know that the thoughts of many people are with you and pray for you.
5/6/08, 9:20 PM
Goodboy Norman Featherstone said…
I'm so sorry Ellice. I will be praying for you and Brad. God bless you and your family.
5/7/08, 1:32 PM
Anonymous said…
Always here, always praying, call anytime. Well of course, not when I'm dealing with my insane students, but any other time! : ) No, seriously, any time.
5/7/08, 5:12 PM
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